Where have I gone?
(Thursday, October 26, 2006)
I have not felt like speaking, or making my presence known anywhere. I've been feeling fearful, and once again clamming myself up into the shell of solitude that I trust. My place of solitude is soothing, familiar, and constant. The only flaw it has--and it's a big one--is that it's so tempting to stay inside... and inside, I will never grow out, I will simply remain content to boil in self-pity and victimhood and feed off of my own tears.
Why is our own pain so comfortable to us, even though it is, in fact, pain?
I doubt things I never thought I could doubt, and the struggle of feeling too sensitive, too emotional, lacking so much self-esteem and integrity, has entered a new level. I thought I was making progress; I felt myself battling my way up the hill--but now I feel as though I've fallen face forward and slid back down, and now I'm staring up toward the top, which is higher than ever.
When I'm me, when I'm emotional, when I turn myself inside out and expose my vulnerabilities and just how sensitive I can be, I get hit right on the weak spot. And so I've been holing up, afraid to admit just how bad I'm feeling, afraid of hearing "be a strong woman!"
What is a strong woman, exactly? One who takes insults, hurts, pain, with a grain of salt and laughs them off? One who never cries? I KNOW that's not true... but I've lost my conceptions of what a "strong woman is," and how to be one, or whether it's even important. I'm lost.
Why should I have to live up to this? Why can't I just cry?
© Megan K. 2006-2007
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you will never hear that from me, love. (hugs)
meg, it sounds like you're being so hard on yourself right now - feelings i totally understand. i just want to tell you that it's okay, that you have friends out here who care about you no matter what your mood or how you're feeling - who want to know and honour who and what you truly are. at whatever moment.
i think what you're writing about here - the scary bits, the vulnerabilities - equals true strength. it IS scary - but i know you can do it - just breathe, and take your time. and if you need support, consider me an email away.
i think sometimes that what we believe is our biggest weakness ("too sensitive" or "too emotional") may also be our greatest strength...xoxo